Through the ashes & smoke we dust ourselves off. Isn't there some phrase that reminds us what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

After the past 6 months I feel I might be able to take on anything.

Henry has proven to require a different parenting approach that Jeri & I are still in search of to find the correct fit that allows all of us to find our own secure footing and agreement to not put him out for sale on the corner.

A massive deployment @ work which I loving referred to as my 3rd child was born November 1st. Success & glory yes but not without deep permanent battle scars & a reborn respect for due diligence.

A life changing decision made in my marriage as a team to go against what society considers correct & appropriate. We chose a road often travelled these days but no one likes to ever really say they are on it.

So the yellow brick backroad has brought us to Red Oak Lane. Jeri & I could not be happier. We feel a connection with this house that feels like we have always been meant to be here. Oh yeah & the munchkins think stairs are amazing.

I have also watched Isaac slowly slip away into a world of books. Yes, in the grand scheme of things I get it...be happy your kids loves to read more than anything & at 7 years old reads at a 4th grade level.

Two sides to every story.

Slightly more well rounded is I am aiming for and I think we have found it with our trip to the merry old land of Oz. Not only did we move into a home we LOVE, it is placed smack dab on a street with 4 other 7 year old kiddos. The past 10 days have been filled with hours of outdoor play, chasing bikes & scooters, jumping from house to house and hanging with friends. I have already had to stock up on juice boxes and string cheese.

After they all ran in to our place to check out Isaac's new blue room I pulled him aside and asked him if he ever thought he would have a house full of his friends.

He replied "mom, I always knew I would, we just had to find them." He was out the door only moments later which was good because his card might have been revoked if his mom started hugging & kissing all the little boys that had come over to play.

I couldn't be happier to be done with 2010 but am glad to live to fight another day.

smooches

The sun was just creeping into view making the most amazing skyline.

I say to my old soul Izzybean next to me "Look at this sunrise trying to wake up the world & say today will be amazing! Today is full of possibilities."

His response:

"Technically mom it is only half the world because the sun only shines on 1 side."

Really? Can you pretend to be 7 for 30 seconds and just say it looks neat.

I want to stand in the corner stomp my feet, hold my breath and make a mean grumpy face.

"I don't wanna" is really all that comes to mind but then again when have I not put the big girl panties on & dealt with it.

Being an adult really fucking sucks some times.

I totally agree it is random psycho babble bullshit but I have to say, the pile of hair on this floor,

this pile of an
anxiety ridden
binge eating
quick tempered
acne prone beeeeee-yach
who picked meaningless fights with most likely everyone she knows...

was starting to become a problem & making me a shell of myself.

I have never gone down without a fight & THOSE DOG DAYS ARE OVER!!!!

Lucky the first cut did the trick or I might have gone Brittany on your ass.

smooches

These 4 women

I have never had alot of female friends. I have always been "one of the boys", not really into girly things & never did well with handling the stereotypical ridiculousness that is often linked along with being female.

I have only a single person that I remain in contact with from my days before I met Jeri.

So I have these women...these 4 amazing women that have come into my life. Each so unique in what they bring to our little group of she-ra's that are ready to take on the world.

They together work as the putty that fills my cracks and weak points. They allow me to take bits of them whenever needed. They help me to be an unyielding mother, to remember to take time for me, to command a boardroom and run my household inside & out.

I don't pray but if I did today would be the day I cash in my cookies.


We are all in on this one.

This is what I say to you August & September




FUCK OFF

42 pounds...

Accordingly to google I fall somewhere in between a 5 gallon bottle of water, an average human leg or the heart of an elephant.

All of these things are about 42 pounds.

A year ago I sat at the intersection of "I've always been big boned" & "I now weigh as much as I did when I delivered my children". What's sad about this is that he was 18 months (not days) old when this was said.

This was a LARGE problem...HA!

Fast forward 1 year of relearning how to live in a world of endless food & actually being able to shut my yap.

I have never been this size (8 BTW) in my adult life...hell not even in my teenage life. Everything is new, different, wonderful & way more mental than I thought it would be. So much more than weight came off.

I love this one way street & I'm determined to never leave it.

KICK HARDER!!!!

I feel it creeping up. The water is right under my nose. I strain my neck to lift my head above it, to stay afloat, find my feet and stand tall.

I kick harder.

These past weeks have been wave after relentless wave. It is diligent in the effort to consume me, defeat me, break me.

I kick harder.

For the first time in 3 years I have been ROCKED back into a place that I swore to myself I would never go to again. This toxic stress that has driven every other aspect of my life for the past month leaves my sweet family asking "what's wrong mommy?" and "I'm concerned because this is how is started the last time."

I kick harder.

I sit here tonight with a level of uncertainty about what the next week will hold but I am optimistic that I am moving in the right direction & will be victorious.

I kick harder.

I feel a little like my old self tonight, for the first time in weeks. Might be the ear of a dear friend, the strength of a colleague, the impactful medicine of my baby boys, my watchful husband or pitching it all to the wind...the wine.

What ever it is it's working and allowing me to kick harder.

Turn that frown upside down!

Today...I mean yesterday was rotten...actually it pretty much blew.

Work was a total life suck & the fact that I'm still awake thanks to the coffee I had to drink so I could finish my work tonight is the testament to how much yesterday was the exact opposite of ideal.

Yet, I'm happy, smiling ear to ear, in a worn out, lazy, droopie kind of way.

Around 6:30 tonight it started to slip & the anxiety started to win the war. The organization of vacation prep, packing, grocery shopping, wash & 2 kiddos on top of MUST get done work deliverables so I can actually go on that vacation I'm trying to prep for = perfect storm.

In a rare 30 second melt down of how all of it will never get done I'm told to go sit & work. Minutes later there are no kiddos at my feet, dinner is handled, the house becomes silent as grocery shopping is done, wash is done, bags are packed & my work tasks are beginning to be checked off. Tip of the cap to that Jeri, he brought the A game tonight.

Then my sweet Isaac who has been begging me to watch an episode of Phineas & Ferb for two days asked when it would happen before I left for the weekend. Biting my tongue with a smile I walked away from my PC to join him on the couch.

That little boy seems to know exactly what I need when I need it. We sat & laughed & my stress continued to melt away. I put him to bed & went back to work refreshed & focused...well let me not be crazy...maybe high on caffeine & determined would be a better description.

All has worked itself out as it always does. I am ready to take on Friday with an aggressive but slightly drained force!

This Place

When I feel stress creep into my life, I close my eyes & I'm there in the canoe on a lake that looks like glass.

When I can't sleep at night & need to find a restful place, I close my eyes & I'm there on the pier listening to the wind in the trees.

When I miss my family so much it hurts & I can't breath, I close my eyes & I'm there flashing through 25 years of amazing memories.

When I miss my life long bestie and need her wisdom, peaceful ways & infectious laugh, I close my eyes & I'm there growing old with her on the porch like two old birds will.

Our cabin.

The root of our family tree. It is the one thing that continues to bring our family together when distance, time, money & choices do nothing but pull us apart.

This place cleanses my soul. It pulls my heart to the surface and forces it to thaw areas that have been frozen for years.

This place makes me face every situation I want to be 10 years old about.

This place allows me to pass on a different kind of life to my sweet desert subdivision babies.

So much more than sweet cabin love. So much more.

My BFF

I know everyone says it but do they really mean it???

My hubs is my BFF...

He is a good man...

He is the son of Rick-la-ese...

He keeps me young...

He quotes movies I love...

He allows me to want to stab him every now & then...

He is willing to meet me half way on everything...

Not a day goes by that we don't tag-team for victory against our amazing but challenging children...

Oh yeah last but not least...he is FUCKING FUNNY!!!

Love my Mya

More nights like last night

I find it funny that I come to my space of technology to write about how the nights I love the most with my sweet family are the ones we declare "technology free".

This means...
no TV
no computer
no DS
no movies
no music
no blog
no facebook
no phones

I love it & realize we need more of these nights in our beyond busy & structured life.

I always want to cherish and remember these nights.

Deep belly laughs that pour out of our kitchen as a result of a funny but lame 6 year old joke leaves a smile across my face that I never want to have disappear.

Isaac & Henry continue to amaze Jeri & I as they spout facts from the national geographic kids magazine, endless books & tear through flash cards. Sharp as tacks those little buggers.

Wrestling matches, yoga poses, push ups and football stances - everyone has a favorite.

Playing games that consist of speaking only in a monster voice or you can only sing words not talk.

I can say it no better than one of our new favorite songs...

Lovely, Love My Family by The Roots.

My Old Soul

I often wonder what life is like through his eyes.

Why is his mind so busy yet so incredibly focused and literal.

How do I help him sort through it all and not be overcome with his mindful swirl?

Remember the moment

Last day of school, early release craziness everywhere you look. Isaac does not disappoint. As we are ready to walk back home he screams "I forgot my water bottle!!!!" We high tail it back across campus to his classroom to grab something I that I am going to pitch in the garbage when we get home because the thing is beat to hell.

Once in the room, in a silent moment, I watch him stop & absorb everything around him & what it has become. All that is left is blank desks, boxes, bags of trash & empty walls. It is very clear that the teachers are ready for summer as much as the kids are. I know I would be.

He looked at me said "this has been a great room."

I stop & think to myself without tearing up...are you sure you are only 6.

We leave.

Walking back across campus we see a HUGE mass of students, older students, 8th grade students. Huddled together in the 95 degree heat like penguins trying to survive the winter.

"Arms all in" a taller boy yells. Like an episode of Saved by the Bell the arms go in & a huge roar of "8th graders" rings out across campus.

I could not help but smile & be moved by what I had just witnessed. This was at least 30 plus students, most of them with tears in their eyes. Every size, color, make & model you could put into the mix. All friends who just wanted to cherish that time & live in that moment that would carry them to the next phase of their sweet young lives.

Ahhh to be young again & live so freely with such raw emotion. Adults forget that or it gets beat out of us.

Today reminded me to remember that feeling. Embrace moments & see how great they can truly be.

miss you

You are here waiting patiently & I love you for that. Unconditional love & no matter how long I stay away you are here for me to speak to, no questions asked.

I love you bloggie-poo.

Please know that I have not forgotten you. I think about you all the time. It just seems that lately I need to find that time in my day to reconnect.

Reconnect & realign any & all that has gone just slightly off kilter the past 2 weeks.

THIS WEEK I AM GOING TO RECONNECT & REALIGN to
tracking points & losing those last 5lbs
not eating portions the size of Texas
not drinking for 14 hours straight in 1 day
my sweet hot yoga
the gym
my eye brow waxer

3 beds

A typical day for me is up between 4:00 & 5:00 logged in & working shortly there after. Why you ask? I'm a morning person & the more I get done before my day actually starts the better.

Jeri leaves the house around 6:10 & the munchkins are up anytime between 6:00 & 7:00. 7:00 if I am lucky. After getting everyone ready & breakfast (either at home or at daycare depending on the conference all schedule that morning) I usually arrive home around 8:00 or 8:30 to officially "start my day".

I have the best of both worlds...move over Hanna Montana cuz you got nothing on me. I have the wonderful opportunity to be able to work out of my house which allows me to bring one of my all time favorite things to do in the whole world a reality.

MULTI-TASKING!!!!

I love being able to crank out work for a job I love then turn around and get a load of wash done & empty the dishwasher between calls or tasks. It keeps our house going & allows me to actually "play" on the weekends.

Another blog will be about how Jeri might be the luckiest man alive to come home to pretty much everything done but he does his share & is always willing to jump in when asked. Not to mention he did it all for 8 years while not working out of the house when I had my old job.

Anywhoo...the reason for today's little note...I hit a cross roads & realized I now might need professional help.

Every morning when I'm getting the kids ready I make beds. Beds are always made in our house & everything is always put away. I attribute this ridiculous personal tick to me being in the house all day & never doing well with lots of clutter.

Well this morning I was busy & the beds did not get made. No biggie in the grand scheme of things. I got the kiddos to school/daycare, made my morning calls & had a cup of Joe w/ Jo.

So when I got home I still did not make the beds. I then decided that today I would not make beds...a free day so to speak. Lets be crazy & not make beds!! Yes, I am aware I am the lamest person alive but I love me anyway.

Well it started to grow on me over the past few hours & although I have been busy in my day in the back of my mind those damn beds are going unmade!

Ugggghhhh. Let it go!!! I think to myself followed by an immediate SUPERFREAK!!!

Then it started to feel like I was slacking. Like I couldn't manage my life & the whole balance of my orderly world might come to a grinding halt if I don't make 3 f-ing beds. If I slack here what is next...wash, meals, picking up the kiddos, exercise, work deliverables, it would be pure madness.

To avoid any such tragedy, I made all of the beds.

Every now & then I find yummy tid bits along my path & feel the need to share. I did not capture the author of this statement but it moved me enough to write it down & I just recently came across it again.

Thank you Real Simple Magazine for sending love & making the art of easy-peesy seem totally reachable.


"Love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction."

The Fight

My fight or flight kicks in & I have a sudden wave of nervousness as we start pranayama breathing & within the 1st set the sweat is running, not dripping, off my elbows.

The Flight
Oh shit, I think to myself, it is going to be one of those classes today, great. Followed by the immediate thought of can I even handle this today & will they let me come back if I run out of the room screaming?

The Fight
I tell my practice as much as it wants to own me & yes, there are days it does 100% own me, has me leaving in tears owns me - I want to be here, I want to be strong in my body and in my mind. I recall how it heightens my ability to manage every other aspect in my life & do it collected and at peace. It reignites a competitiveness within myself in a way that only my high school basketball coach could channel.

I choose to stay & fight. I don't always win but I know I'm building something better.

Why I'm giddy about Saturday night

A new dress that hugs the best of me & hides the not so best
April coming over early to give me big hair
Seeing my peeps all together & being so excited to be reunited
My babies with a sitter they LOVE
My hottie hubs looking at me all night like he first did 12 years ago
My camera - which always seems to record a TMZ like video & take 1,000 close ups
Martinis
Shakin my money maker
Laughing till I cry

Knock, Knock, Knock

"Can Isaac play?"

In a quick flash shoes, walkie talkies & two juice boxes leave the house.

So happy about his new friend...a bit older, very polite, helpful with building independence, street crossing activities, promotion of outdoor & imaginary play, all topped off with that he lives right next door.

I spent my whole life playing outside - climbing trees, riding bikes, pretending to battle something or save the day...yes, I should have been a boy. As a result I have major hang ups with living in a city, in a subdivision & having basically no yard. This neighbor boy has channeled a place that warms my heart for Isaac. A new found interest.

So here is the problem. This sweet polite boy happens to be the offspring of something straight out of the movie Species. His mom, I am 1000% scared of & I take shit from no one.

I have now seen her on more than one occasion completely freak out & start spitting phrases like "Come over here & I'll break your fucking face" or "I'll fucking cut you bitch, so help me god". I was hiding behind my car during the last incident...which describing it now sounds very silly but I was caught in the wrong place at the wrong time which = peace out.

First of all who really talks like that outside of prison or some Gangland documentary?

Jeri & I are both totally afraid of her because she is SUPER NICE to us & we are just waiting for the day she goes off the deep end. In case we suddenly end up in the hospital & there is no explanation...you might want to look at the two story next door, you might find fingerprints.

So do we let Isaac hang with the sweet boy who probably thinks whatever his mom does he should do the opposite & he will have a good life or do we limit the interaction?

His mom is not around much which is why I think he comes over but it makes me wonder if I start to limit the interaction will she get pissed at me then I'm caught in an uncomfortable situation of her wanting to cut me or break my face? I had braces people & like my smile broke & scar free.

This is uncharted territory for Jeri & I. We don't know many thugs or even people with thug like behavior. I'm snotty & proudly say NOT A FAN.

Gubba Gubs

Tiny & small on the outside but so wise beyond his years.

He handled today better than most adults would have. He assisted with body stickers, cords, buttons & sat so still you would have thought he was frozen in time.

To watch him would be to watch a routine visit - just one of 100 that he had done in his short 21 months of life, certainly not the first & only.

He is my hero & I so longed to be in his mind this morning - only happy to help & explore the machines around him - unknowing the life changing results they can deliver.

Fast Forward 1 hour

He plays at the park. Learning steps of bravery along the slide, climbing endlessly & giggling nonstop.

He is my little boy again.

Dear Legs

Please keep kicking as hard as you can to keep my head above water this week.

All around you do an amazing job but I feel you growing weary and weak. It might have something to do with the 100 lb weights that have been strapped on to you but just be strong like I know you can be.

Just a few more days & I promise it will all be better.

Love Me

GREEN STATUS

Project go, on task, no risk identified. BOO-YA

I have worked my ass off for months to get to you & I reached you this week.

My white horse in the stable, my cape long & wavy.

I had you for 48 hours and now you are gone.

Gone to this place of creepy yellow, implying terms like "caution" & "risk" grrrr.

F-You yellow status. You may have won the battle but not the war. I will hunt you down & I will win.

Everyone knows my favorite color is green.

How about you just stay & grow

For years when I take a shower I always lose a little hair during the washing process. No big deal, it's only hair & I have always thought it was my body's way of making room for new growth.

Well as the months have past I have noticed or actually finally admitted that things have started to get out of hand in the hair loss department. The icing on the cake came 2 days ago when my super observant husband sat me down and asked it was normal to lose as much hair as I do on a daily basis. This of course was quickly followed by a comment that I would be hot bald but none the less the casting of a stone.

So now I'm wondering all these things like am I deficient in a certain vitamin, am I not eating the right foods, is yoga cleansing my body to the point of hairlessness?

Then the other side of female questioning...like what would I look like bald? I have a face for hats & scarfs so bonus there. My go-to quality has always been my baby blues so I feel they could carry some extra weight to offset the burden of no hair. However, I am slightly fair skinned...or actually as pasty white as they come and no hair would be an issue. My white ass head would 1- glow like beacon in the dead of night & 2- would last 35 seconds in the AZ sun.

The research continues. I'm interested to see what I will learn to stop the team from jumping ship.

Sky Blue

Fresh Paint

I love you

Thank you for transforming my sweet tiny kitchen.

You have a taken a room full of wonderful old memories and made it new again.

Me likey

My Mya

I celebrated my 8 year wedding anniversary yesterday.

I got no flowers, no card, no gift, had take out at my in-laws for dinner & nursed a bloody busted lip of my sweet Henry.

Jeri has a LONG list of AMAZING qualities but being romantic and planning, well anything really, is not one of them. It is no secret that this characteristic trait has always slayed me our entire relationship.

So as the hours passed yesterday & I was trying to determine if I was going to allow myself to take that turn to negative town I reminded myself of something.

I might be one of the luckiest women on the planet to have found this man & to have married him. He is one of those rare guys that just gets it. He understands what it means to be a partner.

He is respectful of my life before him and my life outside of him.
He hands down is the most amazing father. His love for those boys is unmatched & his dedication to molding them, nurturing them and showing them how to be little men is unyielding and is a constant as breathing.
He has a young heart whose mission in life is to keep mine young when it so often forgets and wants to age.
He has loved me with an extra 30 lbs, a job that I put before him & my children, an ache in my heart that wanted to me live anywhere but AZ. He has loved me for me.

I may not get flowers, cards or showered with gifts but I get 110% of him everyday.

Love you Mya

Glenda's

Babysitter is a powerful word in our house. For Jeri & I having children has not reduced our love of a social setting & adult interaction. If anything, the need for balance between being a parent & remaining true to our self and our interests outside our children is stronger than ever.

The challenge is finding and respecting that balance. At the end of the day being a good parent really means self sacrifice for the betterment of your child and who doesn't want them to be the best they can be. After all, they are a reflection of us & we don't want our image tarnished.

For me, one part of being a good parent means I know when I need to be away from them. I have learned to be more self aware & know when I need to nurture some other aspect of my life, which in turn allows me to function better as a parent vs. wanting to ring their sweet little necks.

Que the babysitter...

So in our quest to develop independent, smart, well adjusted children we seek this sometimes mythical being that seems to float into our house in a bubble and save the day. Again with the balance as the key is finding Glenda the Good Witch of the North & not the Wicked Witch of the West cuz we don't leave our munchkins with just anybody.

I have been blessed to find a small handful of Glenda's, a huge thanks to Kelly Richmond for introducing me to the sweetest, most mature, loving sitters a girl who loves to go out & drink could ever ask for.

They help me to be on my A game at all times and I am truly blessed to have them.

Cheers!

Big Boy Bed

Our house forever changed this weekend.

We no longer have a home with a crib. We now have a home with not 1 but 2 big boy beds.

Nothing pleases me more than having had a successful transition weekend to start this new chapter in his life but my heart aches as he grows so fast.

My little gubba is a little boy.

I just want my lunch

Meeting schedule permitting, every now and then on a Friday I like to treat myself by getting out of the house & picking up some lunch from Paradise Bakery. It reminds me of the days of office life & having friends around to have lunch with.

Overpriced - yup, which is why it is a special treat because honestly $9.00 for soup & salad is retarded!

Worth every penny - ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY!!! I love it so much I could use a smoke after I eat my Fire Roasted Tomato Soup & Greek Salad.

However, as much as I love, love, love this treat what I don't love...Paradise F-ing Bakery!

Without fail it is always busy & I'm always behind a line of 20 Gilbert Stay at Home Moms with a minimum of 3 kids a piece that have ZERO control of their children.

WTF? Don't you crazies have jobs?

I'm sure you just had to stop in for that low-fat salad & diet coke because you are just famished after a long morning of working out, getting your nails done & shopping for that perfect handbag that is cute enough to go out with but also serves the functional purpose of holding a sippy cup.

Call me a hater...I am one.

I come in for that same low-fat salad and diet coke...it tastes great & doesn't make my ass big but I'm on a schedule here people. Move your ass & keep your kids off my shoes.

You would think that because I have children that I like other children...yeah outside of the SMALL select handful that have earned my love & respect, not so much.

Consider this a warning to all of you crazy children that act ridiculous in public. I have no tolerance for you & shame on your parents for caring more about your outfit than if you know how to act in a restaurant.

Ahhh but then I got my yummy lunch to-go & all was right with the world.

A Date Night

I'm in my 30s, married for almost a decade & have two kids.

One might think that I would get over the allure & excitement of going out on a date.

Nope.

It never gets old & I never want it to.

"Be willing to be your own best friend, and talk to yourself that way too."


Meredy

LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE

Ladies & Gentlemen:

In this corner we have "Mommy" a loving mother who places all her focus on her sick little one. Holding him, rubbing his sore chest & oh so sweetly hugging away his body aches. She wraps him in security and sweet kisses.

And in this corner we have "Kelly Rhoden" - Sr. Manager Clinical Migration Lead to migrate 745K members off a decommissioning platform to a new enterprise system. A force to be reckoned with.

Round 1-
Mommy delivers a solid blow to Kelly Rhoden consisting of 3 hours at urgent care & a trip to the Wal-Mart Pharmacy.

Mommy wins by KO.

Getting it done

Over the years as I was growing up I would watch/assist my dad with alot of hard, manual work around our house in IL. We had a pretty good size chunk of land....looking at that lot today...a TON of land. With that land came massive upkeep, commitment and hard work. During those work sessions the sweat would run off my dad's nose & he would always say "you know your getting it done when it's dripping off your nose."

My entire childhood I played & excelled in sports. Now as an adult I exercise, I push myself and overall I consider myself an above average worker, meaning I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty & do some manual labor. However, one thing has alluded me in all of these efforts.

Sweat never runs off my nose....ever.

Yes, I do sweat plenty, it is an AZ requirement, but never at the capacity that reminded me of the days working outside with my dad.

I was recently exposed to a little exercise alternative called Bikram Yoga.
A snip it...
90 mins
108 degrees
40% humidity
breathing, stretching, flexing and balancing yourself into pure greatness.

I have to say it is one of the hardest things I have ever done & I am a pretty tough cookie so this has commanded my full attention & respect. It brings a level of clarity to my mind that allows me to push myself and go farther than I ever thought I could.

Mentally & physically it is moving in a manner that I really have not learned to describe yet.

The one thing though - the sweat. It doesn't drip, it doesn't run, it pours off my nose. In my 90 mins of finding peace, strength & harmony within inner self I can't help but smile as I try some to hold some funky pose that my body is rejecting because as that sweat pours off my nose I am certain of one thing.

I'm getting it done.

Because I have all this free time...

Check...
Donskies...
Mission Accomplished...
100% completion in my project plan...


I have finally sat down(along side one of the primary support pillars in my life) took the time and created a place just for me.

Why you ask? Gut response...What else would I do with all my free time.

Honestly though it is because through all the homework, show-n-tells, bath times, story times, dinners, babysitters, presentations, status reports, laundry, gym, yard work, poolsides, bills and trips I just wanted a place.

This my place.
My tiny spec of technology that allows me to love it, hate it, dwell in it, question it, joke about it, anything I want because it is just for me.

My life is a balancing act & this is my tightrope.